A Brief History of our Universe

There’s always a history, but how much of it is liquor laced fiction, and how much of it is written by the victor? Perhaps that question is better left to conspiracy theorists. Hidden away somewhere are secrets, that only men with hats can discover. But they have to start somewhere, and there is a giant X on the map, with a notation next to it, “Big Boobs”.

Sometimes X’s get drawn on maps purely by accident, sometimes simply because you couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. But that’s where it started, inside Big Boobs. Racking up the balls, on the green velvet table, inside Silvie’s Tripple D’s. For a while we had Big Boobs all to our selves, it was our treasure securely tucked away on Irving street.

It seemed a place all our own. We owned Saturday nights, and any other day of the week we decided to adventure there. But eventually, the surgeon was called, the table was prepped, and the breast reduction was performed. It was a shocking moment, that time we first laid eyes on the resculpted Boobs. It was like everyone else now, decked out in ripped jeans and piercings, glow sticks, and awful, awful music.

Where were the Big Boobs? Where was that cavernous cleavage we danced around inside with abandon? Where was our five dollar jukebox whore? She was gone, replaced with a trendy clone. Some will tell you this is where the story fades, and the leads start to run dry. But the men with hats, the ones with the map, they know that with the birth of Silvie’s, came Caroline, oh wait, Caroline’s dead.

The trail did not grow cold, it shifted, and rooted itself inside Tiny A’s den. More evidence was hidden, tucked away inside those walls. Cryptic marks were etched into the floor. Men with hats might stare through their magnifying glass and remark, “Wana be Startin’ Something?”

But the tiny chapel couldn’t hold enough history, enough secrets. And once again, perhaps by accident, perhaps because there was no where else better to go, a new land of wonder was found. Hidden inside were boisterous spirits, a magical music beast, and one foul, lanky troll guarding the volume, known only as ‘Boobs on Head’. And Even though Caroline’s Dead, history seems to indicate that new life was found. That in this magical land, inhibitions were tossed aside, along with the occasional article of clothing, and people were gay, simply because of their shirt.

So late at night, while watching Men in hats on the Discovery Channel, you may hear one of them say, “It was here, that the eternal burning question was answered, one only a few men have been privy to witness one woman say to another, ‘But if you were a lesbian…’”.